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Post by Seraphim on Mar 4, 2005 18:29:07 GMT -5
I waited for a year and a half for him to get his life together enough so that he would be worth loving, just as I think it could never happen it does. It stays that way for two weeks, and then he falls. Well, thats fine, everyone falls, I could have handled that, but not only did he look back, trip and fall, he's just laying in the muddy puddle he landed in.
He has broken my twice now and it is still fighting to find its way back into his untrust worthy hands. I still love him. The whole reason I'm in pain right now is because he's not okay. My life is fine, save for the fact that my heart was with him when he fell and now its laying in the mud beside him fighting for oxygen.
He dating his friend's pregnant ex-girlfriend. I hate to love him. Why can't I stop lovnig him? Why haven't I been able to stop for going on 2 years now?
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Post by The Weak's End on Mar 4, 2005 21:03:03 GMT -5
I really wish I could give you the answers, I do...but I dont know them...and I dont wanna be the one to give you the wrong ones...so, Im sorry everything is a mess...
I know your stronger than this, prove me right...
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Post by Seraphim on Mar 5, 2005 13:44:05 GMT -5
This is the longest, most painful thing I've gone through since I became a christian. I cried yesterday for the first time in about 7 months and it was the first time my dear has ever made me cry. He's put me through alot of crap, but I never cried before. No, he's not getting my heart again. He has proven he isn't deserving of it. I'll be his friend, and I will do my best to get him back on the right track, but I'm not going to lie to myself again or even believe that he will change. It hurts to think he's doomed to live this painful, pointless life forever, but I can't see him staying strong, he just keeps falling. I can't let him pull me down anymore. God doesn't want me depressed and satan delights in my tears, so no more. I wont do it. I am going to be happy.
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Post by The Weak's End on Mar 5, 2005 19:44:28 GMT -5
See, you know what you wanna do.....Do it......I know you can....I know you will....
again.....prove me right....
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Post by Seraphim on Mar 6, 2005 20:18:39 GMT -5
I got it! I know what I need to do. I will fall sometimes and it's going to get me down a little bit here and there, but I told God that if he needed me to bleed for him I would. So I will follow the example of the fifth beattitude. 'God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy.' So while my dear probably deserves to have me turn my back to him and hate him forever (and I would do that if I was any less of a person) I will instead extend him mercy. I will not hate him and even if I have to be the only one besides God who believes in him, so be it. I will not give up on him. He's not getting my heart again, but I will help him as best I can. I think he can do it because for two weeks, he did. God will take care of me, and really I'm just going to be God's tool to help my dear, but what ever works, I want him to be okay. I'm not going to pretend that I'm ever going to stop caring about him. I think its always going to hurt a part of me when my dear falls back in to his old ways, but I can't just leave him there. Not after all this time. I'll be okay. I'd want him to believe in me, so I will believe in him.
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Post by The Weak's End on Mar 6, 2005 20:29:08 GMT -5
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Post by Seraphim on Mar 7, 2005 23:48:59 GMT -5
What are the songs called?
I'm not feeling to strong right now. Lunch kills. I have to see him with his new girl sitting on his lap while he looks so sad. He's not happy and watching him bleed is getting old.
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Post by The Weak's End on Mar 8, 2005 8:09:03 GMT -5
You'll be ok...
"I'd rather die on my feet than live life on my knees...", I cant remember who said that...But someone did and it got to me...I hope it does the same for you...
the songs are, I Was Scared, No Day Like Tomorrow, and The Casualty of Times and a Clash of Personality....
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Post by The Awesome One on Mar 8, 2005 10:40:16 GMT -5
"I'd rather die on my feet than live life on my knees..." I've heard that somewhere too...no name comes to mind right now though.
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Post by The Weak's End on Mar 8, 2005 15:14:31 GMT -5
I've heard that somewhere too...no name comes to mind right now though. yea, Im not worried about that anyway...
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Post by Seraphim on Mar 9, 2005 11:10:47 GMT -5
It was kind of funny, Monday night I was talking to my mom about how it would be nice if my dear would just take a day off and stay home one day...so he was sick yesterday. Lunch usually kills me, but yesterday he wasn't there, so I was fine, he didn't come to youth which wasn't so cool, but I'm okay with that. And I found out he isn't dating the pregnate girl, I'm not sure if thats better or worse though...'cause they are being really touchy. It makes me worry about what he's doing with the rest of his time. All to God. God can handle all this, I can't.
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Post by The Weak's End on Mar 9, 2005 11:42:01 GMT -5
Yes. True dat cuz!!...lol... ;D
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Post by Seraphim on Mar 10, 2005 0:23:45 GMT -5
This whole situation finally took the back seat to something different. My sister has been having some problems and EVERYTHING took back seat to that. I think I might flunk a test tomorrow and miss points on a big assignment in French, but if what happened today helped my sister, I'll take it. My dear hasn't been to school in two days because he's sick so I had a chance to take care of the other area's of my life. I'm very greatful for today.
I'll have to download the songs tomorrow, maybe, I was busy today.
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Post by The Weak's End on Mar 10, 2005 8:52:01 GMT -5
its ok....I was thinking about leaving them up for a while longer anyway....
I've been sick the past 2 days too...I hate it...Im all behind in school again...oh well, I'll get caught up...I hope everything gets better for you soon...
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Post by Seraphim on Mar 10, 2005 11:03:16 GMT -5
Its already starting to get better. It should continue unless my sister's heart is made of stone and steel and my dear makes out with someone at lunch. Other than those things mentioned, I think I'll be okay.
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