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Post by Seraphim on Feb 21, 2005 15:35:17 GMT -5
I've been trying my best to act normal and joyous, and I do still have joy, but since tuesday night I really haven't been okay at all. For a year and a half I have been waiting for my love to get his life together and he did about a month ago and he asked me out. After a year and a half we had a two week run. Two weeks. We both waited a year and a half and we're taking a break that we shouldn't be taking. He is having family problems and its making him really upset, so he doesn't think we should be together for a while because he doesn't want to say or do something that is going to cause a big ugly break up, which I completely understand, but that boy has completely and cold heartedly abandoned me before and I forgave him. It doesn't matter if we're dating or not because the only things I would leave him for would be things that would still affect me even if we aren't dating. I don't want him to use this break as an excuse to do what ever he wants either. I miss him. I miss him more everyday at lunch than I did during the eleven month span of time when he was in another state. He doesn't want to hurt me, but this break is killing me.
I'm not okay. I just wanted to tell someone that.
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Post by The Weak's End on Feb 21, 2005 19:39:43 GMT -5
hey, I can tell that you really care about this guy...that comes through in your writing...but what I dont know, and that no girl including you could ever know in a million years, is what goes on in boy's minds...I know that sounds childish, and it might be, but it's true...wait a minute, that doesn't help you...ok, let me start over again...
If he really loves you, then he wont hurt you...He'll come back...and if he really loves you, you'd never doubt him for a minute...
But, remember this, you dont need him to live your life...sure, hes nice to have around, but its not like you cant function properly without him...
I love ya, and I hope everything works out...I guess all this coming from a 15 year old doesnt mean much to you...but Im trying...so I hope you listen...
Best of wishes and much love always, -Jen
ps- This made me realize that you have problems too...I sometimes forget that...and I hope you know Im always here for you...
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Post by The Awesome One on Feb 22, 2005 10:58:24 GMT -5
Hope everything works out for you succ.
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Post by Seraphim on Feb 22, 2005 11:15:00 GMT -5
Yeah, I think I've figured it out. I know were getting back together, so I don't have to worry about that and even though I really don't think it helps, if he thinks we need it then I need to respect that. I still have God, and even though we haven't talked in a week, I do still have him should I really need him.
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Post by The Weak's End on Feb 22, 2005 14:44:48 GMT -5
see, its a game of trust...you have to trust him...if that makes sense....and I think it does....so yea....
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Post by Seraphim on Feb 23, 2005 10:53:27 GMT -5
I've been up and down all week. I get really okay with it and think I have it figured out, then I lose it. Up, down up down...ect., I'm down at the moment because at lunch yesterday I just really got the feeling that he's not okay. so...I feel horrable.
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Post by The Weak's End on Feb 23, 2005 15:02:30 GMT -5
I know that up and down feeling better than you think....thats how I live my life....just when I think things are getting better and that Im gonna be ok....all hell breaks loose.......
maybe....it would help if you talked to him........just ask him if hes ok......so you know.......just remember, he did leave you before......dont expect him to change too much......
Im not trying to scare you, or make you think hes leaving.....Im just trying to help you, I dont want you to get hurt anymore....
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Post by Seraphim on Feb 23, 2005 20:49:40 GMT -5
I'm sick of feeling like this. God doesn't want me to feel like this. I don't know how long I can keep bleeding like this, but I don't see anyother options. I wrote him a letter because the thought of walking up to him and talking to him makes my stomach turn. I need to just let this go and let God take care of it, but I really don't know how. I don't know how to not let it affect me. I've loved him for a year and a half now, how can I just let that go? I know its much safer in God's hands than mine, but its hard to let go. I would be fine if he was still going to church, but he's not and none of our mutial christian friends have heard from him in a week either, so I can only see him falling back into his old life and I hate that. He's come so far and grown up so much I think I'll die if he goes back to who he was. If this doesn't kill me I'll walk away the most exhausted and strong person in the world. I hate being helpless.
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Post by The Weak's End on Feb 23, 2005 20:54:41 GMT -5
I know its hard.....and I know it hurts.....but some things in life just arent meant to be....I can tell you have really strong feelings for this guy.....but this is one of those things that you just have to let go....I wish I could help you do that....but I cant....and if your gonna stay on, then just go in my chat....its lots easier.... you'll be ok.....your stronger than this, I know you are........you'll be ok.... www.freewebs.com/thedarknessuponyourdoor/
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Post by Seraphim on Feb 24, 2005 11:05:47 GMT -5
Okay, this time I know I figured it out. I can't fix it, I can do nothing about it. Last night I fell to my knees and flat on my face and gave it up to God. I feel fantastic! It took a week to give it up because I know that God will do what is best, whether its what I want or not. But I couldn't go on like that. It was a burden I shouldn't have carried for so long. Whatever happens will happen and I know it will be for the best. God made the universe, I think he can take care of my love.
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Post by The Weak's End on Feb 24, 2005 19:22:08 GMT -5
Im so happy that your happy!!!...I dont like it when my friends are all upset....
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Post by Seraphim on Feb 26, 2005 21:30:38 GMT -5
yeah, today we had a youth leadership meeting at the church and my youth pastor picked me up 'cause no one was home to take me, and he said he talked to Dane. I perked up ofcourse, I want to know how he's doing, and he's doing just what he said he was. He is backing off for a time so that he doesn't hurt me. He really is just stressed about his parents, they're fighting over money, and he still cares. I put myself through a week or torture because I decided to not trust him. I feel so stupid. He didn't lie, he hasn't lied to me in a long time and yet I still didn't trust him to be honest with me. I feel like apoligizing to him, but I think I'd just confuse him 'cause as far as he knows I took it well. I feel good now knowing that nothing really changed. He still really cares about me, and he still loves God. I guess I just flashed back to the first time we stopped talking, but that time he did it 'cause he...well, he did it for the same reason really, but less kindly.
I'm so lucky to be loved by such a sweet guy.
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Post by The Weak's End on Feb 26, 2005 21:50:25 GMT -5
cool....you shouldnt feel stupid about worrying.....it means you care about him....
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Post by Seraphim on Feb 27, 2005 20:30:18 GMT -5
Yeah, he called me last night at 9:30, I thought my heart was gonna stop. It was weird 'cause the phone rang and I thought That's Dane. but that didn't make sense, why would he call? So the answering machine clicks on and I hear My dear say that its him. So I jump out of bed excited just to hear his voice and answer the phone. His dad is having problems with his job that he wont talk to Dane about, his mom won't help them and his dad needs him to work more to help pay the bills. so with baseball, school and work he has no time and he's so stressed out he got in trouble for going off on one of his friends on Friday. So he still has a few anger issues to work through, but he let me know that he really cares about me and wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to drag me through all the junk he's going through so we're not together until everything works its self out and he's not all stressed out. I was really happy to hear that he still cares from him and at church today we didn't talk alot but he gave me a big hug before he left so I'm okay with where we stand, but I'm still worried about him. He looked so tired. He's drained. I wish he didn't have to deal with all this junk.
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Post by The Weak's End on Feb 27, 2005 20:37:02 GMT -5
sounds like everything is gonna be ok.....Im glad....
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